A Great Day

Today was a great day for many reasons. One of which is that I lost 4.6 lbs to bring me to 11 lbs total in 2 weeks. This was a joyous moment! I am always happiest when the scale is going down. I weathered my trip to the movies. I wound up eating more than I had planned but less than the whole meal which was probably more points than a whole day for me.

This journey is very complex for me. Sid talks about being a skinny girl trapped in a "fat" body. I have the reverse syndrome where even when I weighed 120 lbs and was a size 3 I still felt fat. My head knew this was wrong (it hurt to sit down there was so little fat on me) but my heart said you are not worthy...something it has said since I was a kid. I was never thin, but have not always been overweight. I have been 120 to 252 lbs. I was "happier" at 120 in some ways but in others it was very stressful. I thought when I lost all the weight that "poof" life would be happily ever after. I have learned that life is probably never going to be happily ever after but that I NEED to learn to love myself.

I need to learn to love myself for many reason. For my daughter is one, so she won't grow up to have the same issues as me. The most important reason is for myself. I don't look at mirrors, I don't take pictures often.. unless they have been taken from the best possible angle.. yes even this picture. I don't swim for the horror of wearing a bathing suit. I don't fully enjoy things because I am always worrying about what people "might" be thinking about how fat I am. I have a friend who told me that I need to start looking at myself in the mirror and thinking about how good I look... the concept horrifies me. It also makes me think of Stewart Smalley "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and darn it... people like me". But the point is valid..if I don't like myself how will others like me. I believe that people are beautiful and lovable in all shapes and sizes.. just not me. But I will start working on this and it will be a struggle.

So for my first step in the journey I ate a little more than I had planned, but not so much that I binged and this can hopefully set the tone for the rest of my life. That nothing is off limits, I can have anything I want in life (in moderation) and that I deserve it and am worth it.

Starting on this lesson alone made today a great day!