Procrastination and Denial!

Every day this week I have thought about writing in our blog, but procrastination has taken over- 'procrastination'- a not so great part of my make up!!! I'm very good at it..... And each day I've questioned myself as to why I kept putting off writing an entry, only to realise I was in denial! Why? Because I cheated myself this week, and I knew I was doing it, and I have made a pact to be completely honest in my blog entries, so I knew I'd have to fess up and admit to my own sabotage!! (I know, I'm a complicated person at times!!!)....

Things don't always work out as planned- I've had a week of last minute changes- activities are on, activities are off, last minute activities come up!! The boy I've had a bit of a crush on doesn't appear to be living up to my expectations. I've been so busy at work trying to catch up, and one of the girls thought there was something wrong with me- a wake up call that I wasn't being my usual chirpy self- but hey- I was head down, bum up in my work load!! So with all of this in mind, when I had a craving for Christmas Pudding Ice Cream from Cold Rock (Australia's equivalent to Cold Stone- my favourite ice creamery ever!!!) I succumbed to the craving.... Now I don't get too many cravings since I've changed my diet and concentrated on increasing my activity/exercise... and I know that if I just had have plundered on for a few more days, the craving would have passed.... but alas I found myself standing at the counter of Cold Rock, ordering a tub to take home!! So desperate I was for the Christmas Pudding Ice Cream that I literally paid for it with my last 5 cents!!! I searched my car high and low for small change, so that I could buy the larger of the two containers!!!! Desperation!

So with my container in hand, I headed home, and that night ate dinner backwards (dessert first, dinner secone)!! Before I realised it (and literally I was not thinking about the act of eating, as much as I was enjoying every mouthful of this delicious treat) I had eaten half the tub.... Feeling guilty, and carrying that guilt into the next day, I decided when I got home from work that I might as well just finish the damn tub off.... The upside- I've had my fix.... The downside- what the heck was I doing to myself???

In addition to my ice cream mayhem, I also had some trifle at work on Friday- I did not go back for seconds though (that in itself is an accomplishment when trifle is concerned!!!).... (Trifle is a sponge cake, usually soaked in cherry, with fruit layered on top, jello over that, custard over that, maybe some more fruit, and in some instances- such as this- topped off with cream!- YUM).

It was my little sister, Megan's, birthday on Monday- my little sister in America that is. So on Tuesday morning, instead of my regular long walk, I had a shorter walk so that I could come home and call her (the time difference is the reason I called on Tuesday here)... That night I had a late night out with a friend looking at Christmas lights etc, so opted for a sleep in, the next morning, rather than my usual walk. On Friday I skimped again on my walk, opting for the shorter one....

So I feel like I've really cheated myself this week.... I did go to my personal trainer, and I have been watching what I eat the rest of the time... and although there were two days when I didn't walk as far as I usually do, I still got up to walk! I guess I need to look at the good things I did, right?!!!

Well, on the good note- even with a week of interuptions and indulgences, I still lost 400 grams (0.9lbs).... Not a huge amount- but still a loss- and I'll take it with a huge smile after my week!!!!

In saying that, CG has been such a great motivation for me- she's always checking in, making sure I don't lose sight of my goal.... And as she says, it's so great to have someone to tag along with you on this journey....

In this week I have had a couple of girls from work, my best friend, and the whole of my personal training group (including my trainer) tell me that I look like I've lost weight! That's the best when someone tells you that! Such a great feeling.... I can't wait to be 70kg (155lbs) and have people compliment me on how good I look- it's such a great ego booster!!

I've been single for a long time now- I say that I've been single for 8 years- but really that's not true, as I've had plenty of relationships over the years... and last year I was head over heals in what I thought was something fantastic, but was all a figment of my imagination in hindsight!!! But I ask myself why I have been single for so long- what is wrong with me??.... Aside from the wall I built to protect myself from being hurt (which isn't that hard to chip down!!), I am ashamed of how my body looks.... I'm terrified to show this body to anyone that might genuinely care about me, for fear they'll run the other way.... I'm sure my body isn't the most disgusting body out, and I'm certain that there are plenty of women in very loving relationships that are bigger than me- but if I'm being honest, then my body image really is a problem that I have created..... Being in a relationship doesn't define who I am (thankfully!!! Could you imagine how depressing it would if it did!!), but I still long to be in a meaningful, romanatic, committed relationship with someone I can consider a best friend.... I also long to have that so that I can add a new dimension to the friends I have- being the only single person in my immediate circle of friends, I see how all the couples interact with each other, the different topics they have to talk about, the way the boys hang out, and I kinda feel that I'm letting my friends down by not having a significant other in my life...... (Wow, that's deep for a Sunday morning!!!! -but honest!)....

Anyway- the plan is that I'll be on this weight loss journey until I'm at a place where I can be content in this 'vehicle that carries me around'- content enough that I'd be prepared to share it with someone else!

Can you believe the success that CG is having?!!! She is an amazing weight loss machine! I am so proud of her (and a little jealous of the huge numbers she's pulling!!!! lol).... and being winter in the USA, it must be so hard- so right now, I'd love to be across the ocean to give her a huge hug and tell her in person how inspiring she is... (I'm sure everyone would agree with that)!

As of my weigh in today, I weigh (and I never tell anyone the exact amount): 94.7kg (208.3lbs). I have lost, since 19th October, 5.4kg (11.9lbs). I still have just under 25kgs (55lbs) that I want to lose. My first big milestone that I'm setting myself is to get to 90kg (198lbs)- when I get there I'm going to go out and get myself a new tattoo... I've wanted it for so long, and it will be the perfect reward for the 10 kgs (22lbs) I will have lost when I get there!!

This week is Christmas week- tomorrow we have a Christmas lunch at work, and tomorrow night I'm going to the ballet, Tuesday night I have personal training, then my best friend and I wrap presents, Wednesday night is my friend's 40th birthday party, Thursdday night I'm doing a gym trial (although I have no plans to join- I'll take the free work out!!!) and Friday is Christmas.... For Christmas day I'm going to my auntie's house- we have to each bring a plate- I'm going to do a platter of vegie sticks with a low fat dip, so that I know that I have a low fat alternative to munch on instead of filling up with bad stuff.... (although I also plan to make Christmas Pudding Balls- which are not so good!!! lol)... Then Christmas night I'm heading down to the beach and will return Monday night.... There are bound to be some boozy nights at the beach- but I hope for good weather so that days will be spent drinking lots of water, and eating only main meals!

Wow- this is a long blog... But has been somewhat cathartic to get out how I'm feeling!

Merry Christmas! I hope to report back next week (weigh in will be Tuesday after Christmas) with some great news! :)

-Sid-